I recently came across one of those made for Facebook stories called, “Advice from 30-year-old me to 20-year-old me.” The currently 30-year-old author makes various sage recommendations to a 20-year-old him, such as to travel more, read more, quit watching TV—that sort of good but seldom-heeded advice.
Which made me look through my papers, and what did I find, written 36 years ago?
Advice from a 20-year-old me to 56-year-old me.
What are the chances? Good thing I looked now, because in six months this wisdom would have been wasted.
So let’s do this thing:
- Listen up, dude, now that you’re old, you have to have kick-ass credit cards. Use them. That’s what they are for. You’re not going to live much longer, so what the hell?
- Eat KFC. You love it. I can’t afford anything but mac and cheese—GENERIC mac and cheese—so no red and white bucket for me. You, on the other hand, can eat the 10-pack of original every night. Do it; no reason not to.
- Have sex every day. Hell, twice a day. That’s what I’m supposed to be doing now, young and horny and shit, but despite my best efforts, I can’t find a willing partner in the entire metroplex. You, on the other hand, are likely married. Why be married if you don’t screw every day?
- Get drunk. Like, all the time. You can. I can’t. I mean, I do sometimes, but not often enough. Crazy, man—you can just walk in the store and get all the booze you want. What a waste, when I’m the one who would benefit.
- Get those Fuelly Headers and Glasspacks you’ve always wanted. You earned them. Put them on the big American car I’m sure you own.
- Buy a pinball machine. Put it in the middle of the living room. Playing the silver ball never goes out of style.
- Don’t let them make you cut your hair. Let your freak flag fly.
- Did you go bald? Walk in front of a train. That’s all. Do it now.
- Don’t get all square. You know, working for the man, the ol’ 8-5, wearing a tie. Don’t do it, man. Stay cool.
- Keep on rocking. Crank it up!