10 things I like to do on the 4th of July

  1. Dress up as Betsy Ross and go to a sewing bee.
  2. Prank call the queen: “do you have Prince Albert in a can?…oh, wait — that doesn’t make sense.”
  3. Put on a powdered wig and stand on a corner waving a sign for mufflers.
  4. Blow shit up.
  5. Eat watermelon until I hurl.
  6. Get dressed up as Patrick Henry and go door to door, saying, “Give me liberty, or give me candy!”
  7. Play with my pet bald eagle.
  8. Go to a fireworks display, and when it starts, scream and point, “Hey! Do you all see that, too?”
  9. Go to Winnipeg and taunt random people on the street: “Yeah, where were you in 1776?”
  10. Copy edit the constitution with a red pen, especially the 2nd amendment.


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